It is the first time the tears fell for him. Never did it cross my mind that we would end up this way. I am not heart-broken seriously I am not. And I am not jealous either. But I just do not know why I was so mad when I heard about it. So I guess those were angry tears. I tried my best to control and acted strong on the outside. But my inside was rippling apart with pain? I am tired of all of these, having to pretend that I don’t really care, having to pretend that everything is okay when actually nothing is.

Right now I just simply wished that nothing had happened before and of course, the truth doesn’t exist. I know this is a selfish thought of mine but can’t things just work my way for this once? Can I not be tolerant for just once? Why must I always be the one to say, “It’s okay”? I am just tired of everything.

I used to trust him with everything. All the things he said and the promises he made. But only now I realized that were all just plainly lies. He asked if I had taken all those sweet stuffs for real. Seriously, I have not. He apologized and asked me why I am angry with him. I just can’t make up a reason. I just do not know why. He kept on saying he would tell me if only I had asked him. Which is completely rubbish. I can’t possibly inquire him of this every single day! This feeling just sucks, a lot. Having to know it this way is not the best thing in the world either.

I entirely lost my trust in him. I can’t distinguish between the lies anymore. And I am tired of having to guess about everything too. So I guess this is the end of ‘us’. I know both of us are reluctant to end things this way but I guess that is the only way for now. I am tired of having to listen to him, having to wait for his replies, which just makes me hate him more. I am just tired of everything and wished nothing had happened before. I never hate anyone so deep before. Thanks for being the first one.

曾经的幸福

曾经是你，

让我觉得我不再是一个人，

习惯了在每个晚上听到你的声音，

会把电话放在枕头旁边，

轻轻的震动，

会第一时间意识到那是你，

期待你对我说今天所发生的事情，

期待你在挂断后的那一声晚安

原来我也可以像一般女孩一样，

拥有每天晚上跟电话里的人说晚安的权利

也因为你，

让我习惯了一个人，

不再把电话放在枕头边，

不会再把电话调到震动，

因为已经渐渐的习惯那不会在震动的电话

曾经因为你，

让我觉得自己是幸福的，

手被轻轻牵起的那时候，

可以清楚感受到你手心的温度

那一刻，我知道---我是幸福的

也因为你，

让我觉得自己其实很孤单

放开后的手，温度还残留着，

只是那温度不再属于我们的

曾经跟你借的幸福，

是时候还给你了

Merry belated Christmas!!! Sorry for the lake of updates. But anyway, since I am here now~ ^^

I had decided to delete some of my posts maybe this year. No particular reasons for that, just feel like ‘cleaning up’ stuffs. And don’t worry, I will ‘clean up’ my Facebook friend requests too. And by the way, I think Brunei is banning Facebook for real! We know the reason why and my brother is sure that they (as in the relevant authorities)wouldn’t do that because they do not have a reason to do so. But my dad says China banned Facebook without a particular reason too!!! =’( So if Facebook is banned, I am considering Twitter and the other what-do-you-call-it? Oh yeah, MySpace. But let just hope for the best.

About Christmas, I had mine really simple and relaxing this year. Which is really unusual because usually my family had it big during Christmas. But we decided to go for a simple one this year which is okay for me. Let me share how I had it over the years… (Some details are left out due to personal reasons.)

For all the years as I remembered it, we had nothing really much special during Christmas Eves. Sometimes maybe went to a friend’s house or two for a Christmas gathering and of course, turkey! Then we will hang up our Christmas-decorated socks (which can’t be worn) at the end of our bed or on the door for the Santa. (Although we had known that he doesn’t really exist, but that is where my parents left our presents.) The next morning once we woke up, we will reached for the socks and it is always filled right up to the top. Then we will change into something new and go to the church together.

Back in 2007, that is when our little ‘tradition’ was broken. I was on the plane back to Brunei from KL early on Christmas morning. Me and a few of my friends shopped till deep midnight of Christmas Eve. Actually we decided not to sleep and go straight to the airport at around 4 in the morning. But I do not know why we all ended up on our beds at 2 in the morning. But anyway, I had a real ‘unforgettable’ Christmas Eve that year and every Christmas now, I will think of this guy and the stuffs that he said. More later on.

In 2008, nothing much special happened that year. I think I went to a friend’s house for count down or something. I can’t really remember much.

In 2009, once again I did not had my Christmas on Brunei. I was somewhere in a land where no one knows – Mukah. But that was a really fun Christmas too. And once again I stayed up late with my friends singing off-tune Christmas carols (almost the entire hotel was booked by us and we have a few halls to ourselves.) and pretending to get married to one another. Of course we did all these without knowing we were being recorded. And when we were back, HAHA. It was up on Facebook. Then we exchanged presents with one another. I got a really special present from ‘someone’ special. That is to mark our first Christmas together as a ‘married couple’. I got something from my dearest elder sister too. To think back about it now, I really had fun and those times was cherished as everyone is heading their own ways now.

In 2010, that is this year, I was not in Brunei (again) for Christmas. Someone promised to accompany me for Christmas this year but flunked during Christmas Eve. But luckily I still have my other cousin who is back from UK. We didn’t do anything stupid this year. Just sat around and talked about stuffs, Then on Christmas Day I went for lunch with two of my another cousins. I didn’t receive any presents this year but I was still quite contented. Which I can’t understand why.

Back to the guy in 2007, I did something which is quite daring of me this year. Let me say more about him first. We hadn’t been talking since that ‘faithful’ evening of 24^th Dec. 2007. So this year, I wrote him a tiny note with the words ‘三年了，圣诞快乐’. I do not know where I took up the courage to, but I still did it. I just want him to know that I had long forgiven him and hope he can too, forget about that evening and let everything return back to the night before.

So yeah, that is how I had my Christmas! School is starting soon. I once hope the day would come quickly, but now I feel like dreading going back to school. *Sigh* Books and nerds. Ready to face it? I am not…