I do not know why I even bother placing that song in my playlist but yeah, here’s the story.

Let’s just call him KH. For those of you who already knew, you will know who he is. For those of you who don’t, don’t even bother finding it out. It was really private and plus, it’s history.

He was everything I need and am looking for. At least that was what I thought back then. Our story is like a fairytale without a happy ending or like what Jane said, really dramatic. I first meet him back in 2007. That time, he was involved with a quarrel with one of my really good friend. I was standing beside my friend and I saw how scolded and nearly got into a fight with my friend. He was like the ‘big brother’ of his friends and since then, I really hated him. So the next year when we meet again, I was really disappointed because we were in the same group. (We were involved in an overseas activity.) I don’t really care about him at first and in fact, I still hated him when we reached our destination. That is because I overheard his friends teasing him about this girl and he said something which makes me hate him more. He said “Lol, now I think of her more than my family.” The first thing that came into my mind about him is how play he was. We didn’t really talk for the first and second day. And it all started during the second day…

We finally talked for the first time during the second day. He asked for my phone number and I gave it to him, asking him for his too. After that, we had a pillow fight. I think he is allergic or what so ever but he started sneezing. He looked really sick so I decided to message him and asked if he was okay. And it all started out like this.

I can still remember clearly the time his fingers slipped in to mine. We were sitting together and suddenly it all happened. It was unlike many first-timers, who got a slip or caught two fingers in a gap. We were just perfect. Or maybe just him. I was really shocked since it was my first time too. I looked at him in astonishment and he just smiled. I lost the courage to pull away and I guess that symbolizes I am his from then onwards.

Being his, it doesn’t stay long. ‘We’ only lasted of 2 months and 4 days but the memories are enough to torture me for about two years. In the beginning, to be honest I don’t really wanted to be his. All I was thinking back then was ‘It will be over once we got back.’ But the reality doesn’t seem to agree with me. He will tell me almost every day that he loves me and I will just smiled back in return. But slowly, I found myself gradually attracted to him. He, unlike other guys whom I met at that time, didn’t compliment me the first time he saw me by saying ‘You are beautiful’. He didn’t care how I dress, what I did with my hair and only compliment me the moment I thought I was the ugliest almost 3 weeks after we were together by saying “You know what? You are really pretty.” I don’t know what to say so I just smiled, again. Then I realized, being with him, I can be the real me. Without any masks and I know for sure he loves me for who I am.

Although he was known for his violence and strictly ‘no girls’ rule, he never scolded me even I am the one who is wrong. I was always the one being ‘small gas’ and he will be the one who ended up ‘sayang-ing’ me. And only after being with him, I found out that even though he may look really strong and doesn’t bother on the outside, the real him is really soft and cares a lot, especially about me. We got into a small fight (actually that was not even a fight, I was just being really stuck-up and doesn’t want to bother him) and he actually cried because I was ignoring him. He apologized, even though he didn’t did anything wrong. I was really touched and made up my mind never to hurt him again. The second time we fought was really serious and we didn’t talk for 2 days. I really cried that time and wouldn’t reply any of his messages. I could tell he was really tired and I thought then that was it. But he surprises me. He asked others for help and came into the room asking me what is wrong. Or rather what he did wrong. I ignored him and I remembered watching the Olympics Game that time. == He said lots of stuffs which I had forgot. All I know was I cried after hearing what he said. He came over and hugged me and I cried in his arms. I was too weak to push him away. He waited until I had calmed down and asked me why I cried. I said I do not want to break up with him and he laughed and said he never will. A good-night kiss every night promises that.

But when we were back here, he totally ignored me in front of his friends. Sometimes he would walk away with his friends pretending not to see me but will turn back afterwards when his friends are not noticing and talked with me. I asked what the matter was and he said because he doesn’t want anyone to know that we are together. This goes on for another half a month and totally not a single person notices that we were an item. Not until the end.

To my friends, I was always the one who is always smiling and telling them not to get upset over a guy. But just a few weeks after the end, I did. I was with my friends when we saw him. I told my friends that I want to walk past him (he was sitting) and to tell him that 没有他，我也可以过得很好. Trust me, that was the most stupid decision I had ever made. I walked past him, he looked up at me and I walked on pretending that I didn’t saw him. My insides were turned completely upside down the moment I walked past him. I keep convincing myself that I did a great job and I can’t cry. At least not then. But Shien Chung said something like “Why do you have to care?! Like me maa! See! I don’t even bother!” I couldn’t press the tears in anymore. I rushed to the toilet waiting for the tears to drop. But it didn’t. Not until Chea Ying them came into the toilet and closed the doors. I was really thankful then I had such good friends. I just cried everything out, washed my face and went back for lessons. From then on, I promised myself, he is history.

After a few sleepless nights and few more times of crying in the night, I finally let go. It took only months for me to forgive the mistakes he had done but years to forget about them. But I am really glad that we are still friends. Or should I say, special friends? He really understands me; He knows what I want even before I said anything. Whenever I had problems, I can always go to him because he knows. But I guess things are different now. Both of us had moved on and I now that I can’t always rely on him. But we still talked occasionally. He still uses the nickname he used to call me and I still do too. I am not posting this because I still can’t let go or I want to cost any troubles for him. Neither do I still miss him or want to go back to what we were, because I know that is impossible. I just want make this be the last thing about him and the last time I will talk about him. Starting from this, he is out of my life. The memories may remain but will always stay as only a memory. Goodbye.

*This will be the last time I will look at this song’s lyrics. And FYI, this is ‘our’ song. One which he sang to me to sleep.*

My Love

An empty street

An empty house

A hole inside my heart

I'm all alone and the rooms are getting smaller

I wonder how I wonder why

I wonder where they are

The days we had

The songs we sang together

And oh my love

I'm holding on forever

Reaching for a love

That seems so far

So I say a little prayer

And hope my dream will take me there

Where the skies are blue to see you

Once again my love

Overseas from coast to coast

Find a place I love the most

Where the fields are green

To see you once again

My love

I try to read, I go to work

I'm laughing with my friends

But I can't stop to keep myself from thinking

I wonder how

I wonder why

I wonder where they are

The days we had

The songs we sang together

And oh my love

I'm holding on forever

Reaching for a love

That seems so far

So I say a little prayer

And hope my dream will take me there

Where the skies are blue to see you

Once again my love

Overseas from coast to coast

Find a place I love the most

Where the fields are green

To see you once again

To hold you in my arms

To promise you my love

To tell you from my heart

You are all I'm thinking of

Reaching for a love

That seems so far

So I say a little prayer

And hope my dream will take me there

Where the skies are blue to see you

Once again my love

Overseas from coast to coast

Find a place I love the most

Where the fields are green

To see you once again

My love

Say a litter prayer

Dream will take me there

Where the skies are blue to see you

Once again my love

Overseas from coast to coast

Find a place I love the most

Where the fields are green

To see you once again

My love